The Enneagram: Letting Go of the Roles We Cling To
October has often reminded me of “release”. As leaves drift quietly to the ground, we’re reminded that letting go can be a part of an important cycle. Recently, I’ve been reflecting on the roles we often unconsciously cling to, especially those that once served us or kept us safe, but now limit our potential.
The Enneagram as a Mirror
The Enneagram offers a lens through which we can see these roles more clearly. Sometimes I view each type as a pattern we’ve learned to rely on. Each type comes with its own strategies for navigating the world and its own resistance to change.
The Role I Played
For me, identifying as a Type Seven, the Enthusiast, means I’ve often felt pressure (internal and external) to be the upbeat one and the energy-bringer. It’s a role I’ve played well and have enjoyed playing. However, I’ve noticed how exhausting it can be to maintain that, especially when I don’t feel that way inside. When I let myself show up as quieter, even a little skeptical, it shifts the dynamic in my relationships. It creates space for others to show up more fully as well. Especially my husband, a Type Six, who often carries the role of the skeptic or realist in our home. Letting go of my role gives him room to loosen his.
Rewriting Old Stories
I think back to childhood, when roles began to form. In my family, academics came easily to me, and I began to internalize the label of “smart”, in contrast to how I viewed my sister, the athlete. I told myself that story for years, to the point where I stopped trying when it came to physical activity. It felt safer not trying at all than trying and failing. In my twenties, I started to wonder: what if the point isn’t to be good (ok, for me, even passable!) at something, but to enjoy it? That shift opened up space for new experiences, like yoga and rock climbing—and scariest of all, joining a co-ed softball team. Letting go of the belief of “not being an athlete” allowed me to live my life more fully and be more open to new, “athletic” experiences. Which really suits my Type Seven self!
All that said, I still see this show up—even just this week at a recent client retreat! The executive team with whom we’re working included a pickleball portion at their offsite. We love (and highly encourage) clients to include these sorts of activities, but man, did my old insecurities come roaring back!
Another layer of this label that’s held me back—fear of annoying my teammates for not being literally the worst player out there, even when I’m trying. I had flashbacks to many years in school when I would clearly annoy the boys whose team I was forced to be on. I didn’t want to play with the boys who cared about winning, and they clearly didn’t want to play with me. I’m still sorting through that, but I don’t want to continue to let it unconsciously hold me back, either.
These Patterns Aren’t You
The Enneagram teaches that our type isn’t our identity. It’s the packaging we’ve learned to operate from. The more we can witness our type’s patterns with compassion, the more access we have to the full spectrum of our humanity, or in other words, all the other Enneagram archetypes.
Here’s the thing: letting go isn’t always a peaceful process. Spaciousness can feel disorienting. In coaching, when someone begins to loosen their grip on who they think they should be, I notice a vulnerability; however, what can also come up is a loss of security. It’s like they’ve stepped into the sky, untethered. It can feel both exhilarating and terrifying.
From that place, new truths can emerge. Changes in life tend to come with a little bit of challenge. These truths may have been there all along, waiting for room to breathe.
A Few Questions to Sit With
So this month, I invite you to notice:
What roles feel performative or outdated?
What’s underneath the grip you have on those identities?
What happens when you imagine setting one of them down, even for a moment?
Let the autumn wind carry away what no longer fits.
You don’t have to be good at something to enjoy it.
There is more of you to meet.